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If it has the word "last" or "remember"... someone definitely kicks the bucket

Let’s face it: when Hollywood finds a cow that produces they milk it until its dead on the ground. Like Nicholas Sparks for instance. This mediocre 44-year-old romance writer has spawned some of the most successful sap-fests in recent Hollywood history. Everyone cried in A Walk to Remember, and The Notebook is notoriously tissue-worthy. But I’m starting to get bored. Super bored, in fact. Miley Cyrus can do that to you…

8 Easy Steps to Writing a Nicholas Sparks Novel

1. There must be young-people in love. Or old-people in love. Or both

2. Society won’t like it. A rich girl and a poor boy? That storyline is brand spankin’ new!

3. Someone needs to die, be dying, or have some sort of incurable disease. This is a big thing for Nick. Seriously, in every single story someone has cancer, autism, dementia… you get the idea.

4. There must be an old house. It has a lot of history, and it might even be a fixer-upper. What a great thing to spend your dying days doing.

5. Someone needs to lose their virginity. Preferably the young-people in love.

6. It helps if in the film version, you cast a well-known pop sensation or American Sweetheart. It also helps if their names start with M. (Mandy Moore, Miley Cyrus, Rachel McAdams)

7. Beaches must be present and key parts of the story (if you’re curious which books this is true for… its every single one).

8. Similar to the need for beaches in is the need for Carnivals. These are, apparently, the most romantic places in the world. In my experience toothless carnies spitting tobacco on you isn’t really that romantic, but to each his own.

9. Letters, journals, etc should be written in copious amounts and left in bottles or in …. notebooks maybe? Or in songs? Last Songs perhaps?

See, now we can save poor Nick some time and write our very own novels for Hollywood to rip off and make millions off of.

Get crackin’, readers!

I’m in Toronto, loving it, and I have a new family member.

His name is Buster, and he’s a little puppy I got from a shelter. 10 months old, part daschund and part Rottweiler mix!

I’m having a great time with him and will hopefully get some pictures soon!

Keep reading!

I want more! More I say!

5. Alex Bilodeau’s Golden Moment

Alexandre Bilodeau of Canada, left celebrates becoming Olympic champion in moguls. (AP Photo/Bela Szandelszky)

It’s a little shocking to think that Canada (had) never won Gold at home, but that was the case.

That is until Alexandre Bilodeau won Gold in Freestyle Skiing, and the nation breathed a sigh of relief.

Perhaps the most touching part was when his brother, crippled with cerebral palsy, cheered for his brother from the sidelines.

Don’t lie, you were crying too!

4. Speed Skating

Lucas Makowsky, Mathieu Giroux and Denny Morrison skate for Gold

There were a lot of disappointments, but eventually our strong speed skaters got some gold. Men’s, Women’s, we took several medals.

One of the best speed skating moments is when we beat the USA in the Men’s Team Pursuit, winning gold. Winning rules, winning and beating the USA is even better.

3. Jon Montgomery Brings Style to Skeleton

Jon Montgomery's nifty helmet

Another “Gold Medal Moment”, but made a million times more awesome by ultra-cool, ultra-Canadian Gold Medalist Jon Montgomery.

The sexy ginger surely partied it up after his gold medal win, and me thinks he may have a future in broadcasting.

2. Joannie Rochette Overcomes Tragedy

Rochette is consoled by her coach after an emotional routine following her mother's death.

This is the only moment that is not golden, but it is the one I will remember for a long time to come.

Joannie Rochette is only a few years older than I am, yet was able to show a strength that I’m not sure many young women could have found within themselves. After waiting a week to compete for a figure skating medal, Joannie’s mother tragically and suddenly died just 1 day before her competition was to start.

Instead of quitting, which no one would have faulted her for, Joannie decided to compete. With her mother in her heart, Joannie went on to emotionally skate her way to a Bronze Medal. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, and every competitor stood in awe of this courageous woman.

1. Hockey Gold!

Crosby looks up at the crowd as they chant his name.

There is no way anyone could forget this moment. Sid the Kid, the next Great One, defeats the veritable wall of pads that is Ryan Miller and wins Canada Gold in overtime. This was a great moment in sports, the olympics, and Canadian history.

Canada vs. USA: it always seems to end that way. But of late the USA has had the upper hand, even beating us in the round robin earlier in the tournament. With the odds stacked against us, we took an early lead in the gold medal game. With 30 seconds left and the score at 2-1 for Canada, we could taste victory. But it was not going to be that easy.

USA scored with less that 30 seconds left, and Canadians around the world moaned in agony. Then came Sidney Crosby to the rescue. Bad angle? Yes. Does that matter when you’re Sid the Kid? No.

Canada wins it, and (again)… not a dry eye in the house.

GO CANADA GO!

Oh, and if Sidney Crosby was having trouble getting girls before (doubtful), he probably won’t anymore. Just use the double whammy: Gold Medal around your neck, Stanley Cup ring on your finger…

This photo won't hurt either...

Did I miss your favourite moment? Let me know what you will remember from these Olympic Games!

“The Greedy Bum”

They say beggars can’t be choosers, but some beggars can be a little picky. Case in point: the greedy bum who hangs out near the Bay station. Not content with spare change, this drunken giant (he’s quite tall, it’s a little alarming) can be found screaming and unsuspecting smokers at the front doors of their office buildings demanding they give him a puff of their cigarette.

Um… ew?

I can understand they might not be that concerned with swine flu when they have to worry about food and water and a safe place to sleep, but does your drunk ass think people are going to share their cigarettes with someone who’s crapped himself?

I think not.

He then proceeded to follow me down the subway (I am a bit of a crazy magnet) and mumble to himself, and somehow got onto the platform. He then began to violently fake-cough. This seemed counter intuitive for someone trying to beg for CIGARETTES.

Robitussin.

Just another day on the TTC.

Be nice, loyal readers. He’s a pretty funny guy.

How would Hamlet have been different if Shakespeare had given Ophelia a Sassy Gay Friend?

He has been for many years, in fact, since I watched him review films on Ebert and Roeper as a teen. I wanted to be like him, a critic. I was lucky enough to actually live that dream a little in my short life, but no one can even touch Ebert when it comes to professional accomplishments. He has published countless books, received several honours, changed the world of film criticism forever, and inspired generations to love movies again. But now, he is facing a fight for his life. A fight which has cost him something he is perhaps best known for (except his thumbs perhaps): his voice.

Roger Ebert on the cover of Esquire

Some might call it monstrous, others might call it honest, but it is nonetheless the reality for Ebert now. He speaks through a computer, and through notes he writes. Supported by his wife Chaz, Ebert remains a very key member of the film world.

Many say Ebert is dying; he prefers to think of things more optimistically. While his time with us may be limited, his impact is not. His passions, and opinions, will live on forever in his writing, his television series’, and his trademarked “thumbs up”.